tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
