Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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