I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
