I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
