Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Randomize
