she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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