At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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