Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
