I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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