woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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