I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
