I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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