you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
