dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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