I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
