My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
