I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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