I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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