i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
