Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
