Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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