There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
