I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm at about main and main street
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
