Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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