someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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