I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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