Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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