i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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