Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
