What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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