I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
