Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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