Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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