you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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