You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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