he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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