One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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