I am puke
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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