I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize