I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
