I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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