Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
