it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
