Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
