I hate your face
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
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