i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
