Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Sorry about my life...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
