I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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