Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just want nice things and good sex
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
