Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
