Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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