I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
