If that was your dad, he is hot
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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