haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
