I met the friendliest cop last night
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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