just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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