new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize