i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
