Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You ruined the universe
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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