Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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